When you have a high degree of understanding and acceptance of yourself, you are ready to move on to Emotional Intelligence in the Social dimension. These next fundamentals have to do with social interactions. If practiced faithfully, the techniques can elevate the level of success in the Social dimension and help you raise the Emotional Intelligence of those you lead.

Walk in Their Shoes. This exercise will help create empathy and understanding. Make yourself write a paragraph about anyone you are having difficulty with (a peer, a subordinate, or a superior). Write what you know about the person — their interests, their background, their difficulties, etc., and try to concentrate on why they may be acting the way they are. Write in the first person, pretending you are them. As you interact with this person, continue to try to find out more about them, and continue writing about them. You will find that you approach them with more understanding and empathy. As you interact with them more positively, their behavior toward you will likewise improve, and the interactions will become smoother.

"Process" Comments. Most of us focus our remarks strictly on content when we are interacting with others. Process comments, however, focus on the reasons underlying certain behaviors that we observe; these are comments that focus on the "why" or "how" of behavior, not the "what." When we comment on or point out the process, we help team members grow and deal directly with any possible conflict. A process comment focuses attention on some inconsistency ("The team is saying one thing, but it is doing another"); the method by which members work to solve a problem ("Some people do not seem fully engaged in this task"); or some underlying reason for behavior ("I wonder if this reluctance is because some of us are still upset about the new leave policy?"). When others do not seem to see that anything is wrong, a process comment can help bring out those things no one wants to mention. Good process comments usually begin with the leader's observation, stated as a description rather than an evaluation. A comment such as, "What's happening here?" or "Let's talk more about how we have been working together on this," can open dialogue. When a team begins to discover the ways it has been unproductive, members can resolve to change behavior and become more effective.

The "Three-Step" Method. The Three-Step method is an excellent way to deal with conflict or potential conflict. It works whether you are a participant in the conflict or a third-party peacemaker. The steps are simple:

1. Offer to hear the other person's side of the story first. (For third-party mediation: Ask one party to go first while the other listens carefully.) Really listen, without interrupting or getting defensive. Agree with anything you can about what they have said.

2. Tell them your side of the story without laying blame.(For third-party mediation: Ask the other party to tell their story. Each person must listen carefully to the other, in turn). The other party is likely to listen more closely if you allow them to go first and model good listening.

3. Use a problem-solving approach: "How can we work this out so this doesn't happen again?" or "What can we do now to salvage this project?"

Look for Similar/Look for Good. To make interactions run smoother, we need to look for the characteristics in others that are the same as ours and that are good. These connections are often found at the emotional level. Much of our culture is strongly shaped by the mass media, which focuses our attention on what's "wrong," what's abnormal, and what's different.

To improve Emotional Intelligence, we must look for common ground. After every interaction, force yourself to focus on the interaction just completed. What common ground did you see? Make it a game to always be able to find something, even something small, that you and the other person both share. Make it a habit to find the good that others are doing and comment frequently on those behaviors, being liberal with thanks and praise. Remember the importance of empathy and the need to be aware of what the other person is feeling so you can respond appropriately.

Keep a Journal.
For 10 minutes each morning or each evening, write whatever you want. Do not get out your laptop, and don't sit at your desktop computer! The pen and the paper are essential, and though it is a slower process, you'll get more benefit from doing it this way because you will be more intimately connected with your words. Journal writing can be totally open-ended with no specific plan, or built around a theme. The meaning in your writing will not be evident until you have entered your thoughts faithfully for two or more weeks and you can look back over all you have written. The content does not have to be profound, but the physical act of writing is linked to memory — particularly emotional memory, and your heart. Do not try to organize your writing; let the words flow. Resolve to continue this for at least six months.

Use a Programmed Relaxation Response.
Practice at least 10 minutes a day for two weeks, every day. Choose a very calming image (a lake, a mountain, etc.), a calming sound (the tide or a ticking clock), a word or short phrase (peace; I am calm). Hold the image in your mind for the full 10 minutes. Your mind will probably stray, but don't chastise yourself if it does. Remain calm, and simply refocus on your calming image or message and let other thoughts fade away. This will help you practice turning on calming physical reactions to stressful situations.

After two weeks of faithful practice, try beginning your session by imagining a difficult situation. As you feel yourself getting angry or anxious, shift your mind back to your programmed relaxation response. Practice this variation 10 minutes a day for two more weeks. Then try your programmed response in real situations in which you feel yourself getting anxious or angry.

Write yourself a "Positive" Script.
This is a positive internal monologue you program for yourself. Our minds are never still. The trouble is, we often let negative messages drift through our minds and take over — negative images that reduce our energy and bring about the things we most fear: failure and rejection. Keep your script short. Here is an example:

I have a lot of talent and enthusiasm. People find me likable, and I am very good at making sales. I work hard to please my customers, and they are loyal to me. I want to be the best sales rep in this region. I know I can do it! Increased sales will bring me greater financial rewards, make me proud, and get me noticed. I believe in myself, my team, and this company, and I know I can make a difference — today and every day.

Keep a copy in your desk drawer and read it over every morning and at lunch. Repeat the words mentally or read the Positive Script during stressful times. Do this religiously for a few weeks, and you will probably only find you need to repeat it when things seem particularly tough or stressful.